"Don’t bend; don’t water it down; don’t try to make it logical; don’t edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly"

-- Franz Kafka

like a butterfly

Greetings from the comfort of my fuzzy pink rug on my bedroom floor  while I binge watch shows back and forth between the the few because I can never make up my damn mind nor stay entertained for too long.  This seems to be a pattern of mine., Avoiding every single important part of life and getting utterly obsessed with fictional characters and scenarios. I think I'm getting better. It's hard to tell some days. Today I decided to start doing something about my life. The drive to be creative has been strong lately and I can't decide if I am more a of a painter or more of a writer. I suppose you can be both, I am not sure why I am limiting myself.  I do that in every aspect of my life. I feel so unfulfilled.  I know how much I crave love and a relationship but I also know how much the thought it drives me to sheer panic. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want it with one person specifically. Someone so emotionally unavailable, the epitome of unattainable. I am miserable without you, in case you're reading this.

Sometimes I feel like I could explode with how many emotions I keep tucked under my shirt, no chance of becoming exposed. That's one of my biggest fears, people knowing how fucking sensitive I am and how erratic my thinking is. I am a train wreck. An acquaintance shed some truth on me the other day, and it really made me think. She judged me harshly, but she was partially right. I kind of wanted to throat punch her for it but I also wanted to hug her.  It's nice to have people like that in your life, the ones that don't care enough about your personal feelings to sugarcoat anything but also care enough to tell you what they observe from an outside perspective in hopes that you can see it the same way.

I wrote that about 3 weeks ago, since then things have changed. Some of it, not most of it.

I am stoned off of indica and my eyes are heavy but I do know that my head is fucking messy. I feel the strong need to escape and not feel anything. Life is kind of beautiful right now though, minus the every day chaos of my home life.

I am deciding where I want this blog and my writing to go. I am just typing without thinking and seeing where it takes me right now. I don't have much time because I am not sure how much longer I can stay awake and actually function to this degree. I am doing some serious spring cleaning and it's more than fulfilling. I can't wait to see and feel the end result.

I feel like I am pouring from an empty cup most days. My soul is tired. I feel ready to be reborn.

I promise I will write when I am not lacking so much substance.

If you're reading tjhis, you are going to be okay and every bad thing you're feeling is temporary.

For my lack of better words at the current moment...

Why am I the girl on fire? While you are swimming in the sea? You found 

so many creatures and sea monsters that swallow men whole. 

You take and take and take and now I am empty. Empty is a state of mind.

 Give me, give me, give me all of it. All of you. I just want all of it. Why don't 

you think I deserve this? I fucking deserve this. 

Your scent, your skin, your voice. Get out of my head. I'm trying to sleep.

 I don't want to hear it! As I sleep with my ears wide open.

You throw rocks at me with your knuckles stained with blood. 

Do you always hit this fucking hard?

You knew there was a map to your heart and you let me get blisters 

on my feet from walking through the woods at night.

You tell me not to beg. Begging is for the weak. 

But isn't that what you made me?

The only time you like my mouth is when it's on you. 

Didyouforget?

I squeeze your hand three times. I know you felt it three times. You let

 go three times. Three times is how many times you slept with her wasn't it?

I close my eyes and count to ten. "ready or not here I come "

Your whereabouts are unknown. Read at 12:53 a.m.

You were all of my and I was your nothing. 

I was somebody when I met you and then I became somebody's somebody.

But you had so many bodies didn't you?

You cause fires and flames don't go unnoticed. You didn't burn down my 

entire forest and I will bloom again. This time I will be the storm. 

The hurricane that leaves your flames dim and weak. You won't see Me coming. 

You will longer watch me burn

Because I am a Phoenix that will rise from my ashes. I. Will. Rise. 

And you will choke on my dust with a lighter tightly gripped to your side

 because you think no one can see it.

If you've stumbled upon this little part of my world, Welcome.

I look forward to sharing my art, my writing and experiences

with you.I am currently in the process of a huge transformation

in my life and I am documenting all of it. I am extremely excited

to begin my blogging journey again, as I am a lot wiser now.

Please stay tuned while I get the content together and the

page nice and finished. Thank you for taking an interest.

Check back soon!

facebook: Biana Alaska
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snapchat: ikissthemoon

c o n t r a d i c t i o n

her kisses like honey, her touch is like ice

depending on what day of the week it is