"Don’t bend; don’t water it down; don’t try to make it logical; don’t edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly"

-- Franz Kafka

like a butterfly

Greetings from the comfort of my fuzzy pink rug on my bedroom floor  while I binge watch shows back and forth between the the few because I can never make up my damn mind nor stay entertained for too long.  This seems to be a pattern of mine., Avoiding every single important part of life and getting utterly obsessed with fictional characters and scenarios. I think I'm getting better. It's hard to tell some days. Today I decided to start doing something about my life. The drive to be creative has been strong lately and I can't decide if I am more a of a painter or more of a writer. I suppose you can be both, I am not sure why I am limiting myself.  I do that in every aspect of my life. I feel so unfulfilled.  I know how much I crave love and a relationship but I also know how much the thought it drives me to sheer panic. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want it with one person specifically. Someone so emotionally unavailable, the epitome of unattainable. I am miserable without you, in case you're reading this.

Sometimes I feel like I could explode with how many emotions I keep tucked under my shirt, no chance of becoming exposed. That's one of my biggest fears, people knowing how fucking sensitive I am and how erratic my thinking is. I am a train wreck. An acquaintance shed some truth on me the other day, and it really made me think. She judged me harshly, but she was partially right. I kind of wanted to throat punch her for it but I also wanted to hug her.  It's nice to have people like that in your life, the ones that don't care enough about your personal feelings to sugarcoat anything but also care enough to tell you what they observe from an outside perspective in hopes that you can see it the same way.

I wrote that about 3 weeks ago, since then things have changed. Some of it, not most of it.

I am stoned off of indica and my eyes are heavy but I do know that my head is fucking messy. I feel the strong need to escape and not feel anything. Life is kind of beautiful right now though, minus the every day chaos of my home life.

I am deciding where I want this blog and my writing to go. I am just typing without thinking and seeing where it takes me right now. I don't have much time because I am not sure how much longer I can stay awake and actually function to this degree. I am doing some serious spring cleaning and it's more than fulfilling. I can't wait to see and feel the end result.

I feel like I am pouring from an empty cup most days. My soul is tired. I feel ready to be reborn.

I promise I will write when I am not lacking so much substance.

If you're reading tjhis, you are going to be okay and every bad thing you're feeling is temporary.

For my lack of better words at the current moment...